One thing you shouldn’t have to think about is how YOU feel on your special day.  Sure, it is the most important day of your life.  Of course, it is the day you want to look more beautiful than any other day.  The thing is, it’s also a very long day, and you should take certain precautions so that nothing distracts you from being your radiant, beautiful, happy self.   Here are some practical suggestions that other people might be too tactful to share with you.

photo by Inchka

The Shoes.  You shoes should certainly be the shoes of your dreams.  Princess Shoes.  Fairy Princess Shoes.  Shoes that make your feet feel light as air.  Shoes that do not cause permanent toe damage.  Shoes that won’t make you snap at your elderly relatives.  There is a line between comfort and fashion.  We all know that.  Trust me when I tell you that you will enjoy your special day so much more if your feet aren’t killing you.  Just say no to foot torture devices.

photo by Susan_1981

Allow me to mention the subject of your unmentionables.  Of course you want to be pretty from head to toe on your wedding day.   Of course you should wear underwear that makes you feel pretty.  You should not wear underwear that will cause you to dance prematurely up the aisle.  I doubt very seriously that you want a shot of you picking a wedgie in your photo album.  Nor do you want your maid of honor’s duty to include reattaching your stocking to your garter.  Have a test run of your wedding skivvies – if not the actual pieces then very similar or identical – so that you can be sure it will be comfy and stay put during your nuptials.

Follow these words of advice, from me, Wedding Gal’s trusted and beloved Cousin Betty.  I’ve been to too many weddings (and a part of too many weddings) to steer you wrong.

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Rule #1:  Don’t.  I repeat DO NOT get your eyebrows waxed or attempt to wax your own eyebrows the day before your wedding.  Don’t do it.  I’m serious.

photo by ladybug_3777

Do this, and any other drastic hair removal, a good week before the big day.  If you have a straggler or two, remove them CAREFULLY with tweezers.  If you forget altogether (like I did), for all that is sacred and holy LET YOUR BROWS BE BUSHY.  Do not try to tweeze off a few months worth of eyebrow growth the day before the wedding and DON’T wax or even go to a salon to get waxed.  Trust me, a few stray eyebrow hairs beats the heck out of burned eyelids, bumpy forehead, or, in extreme cases, the loss of a part of your eyebrow.

Same goes for leg waxing, bikini waxing, getting a haircut, changing your hair color, getting a spray tan, getting a facial, exfoliating vigorously, and any type of plastic surgery.  Don’t go all crazy and end up looking like a freakazoid in your wedding pictures.  You’ll thank me for this one day.

Rule #2:  Don’t get plastered.  Don’t get drizzunk.  Don’t get hammered.  Trust me.

photo by chairman moneko

It’s natural to feel nervous about your big day.  A lot of folks calm their nerves with a drink or two.  A drink or two is just fine.  A drink or twelve is not.  Not only does getting drunk the night before your wedding lead to things like drunk dialing, vomiting, bad decisions and hangovers, it also dehydrates your body, making you look all bloated and puffy the next day.  So even if you think you can keep your head about you, think about how your head will look the next day with puffy, bloodshot eyes and bad breath.  Don’t do it.

Rule #3:  Don’t sleep with the best man, your friend from high school, your ex boyfriend, your second cousin (ew!) or anybody you don’t plan to walk down the aisle with the next day.

photo by Pere Nadal

It happens all the time in movies.  It’s the person’s “last night of freedom” and they decide to have a “final hurrah” before the big day.  Notice that in movies it never works out in the favor of the people who are getting married.  There’s a reason for that.  If you’re inclined to do it with somebody else, you shouldn’t be getting married.  No matter how badly you broke Rule #2.  Keep it in your pants until the honeymoon.

There.  Don’t you feel better now that you have some guidelines?  Here are a few more.  Also do not:

• Eat Taco Bell
• Borrow a large sum of money (it’s bad to start a marriage with debt)
• Gamble your honeymoon money away
• Decide to confess all your dirty secrets to your fiance (you should have done that months ago, yo)
• Go do “Amateur Night” at the local strip joint
• Do hallucinogenic drugs
• Kill anybody
• Drag race
• Skydive
• Swim with sharks

Common sense is key in any situation.  If you don’t have any of your own, you can borrow mine.  If you have any doubt about what you should or should not do before your wedding, leave a comment and I’ll answer it.  Hey, I’m a people person!

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photo by by Corrie…

Okay, y’all.  Let’s have a little talk about the first dance with your dad.  Call it the Father/Daughter Dance, the Daddy/Daughter Dance, The Give The Bride Away Dance, whatever.  There are songs that are just PERFECT for this particular part of the most special day of your life, and then there are songs that you should absolutely, no matter what, stay away from.

Obviously, if you have a special song that you used to dance to with your daddy – your little socked feet atop his shiny shoes – by all means pick that one.  We’ll assume since it’s a song you danced to when you were a wee thing that it’s most likely family-appropriate.  It doesn’t necessarily have to have anything to do with dads, daughters, or dancing, but if it’s special to you and your Pops, that’s all that matters.  If you’re stumped, go with a song about a good relationship between a dad and a daughter, like “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder or “Gracie” by Ben Folds Five.

Here is a short list I’ve compiled of songs you shouldn’t under any circumstances dance with your dad to at your wedding:

Father Figure by George Michael
I Want Your Sex by George Michael
Actually, stay away from almost every song by George Michael
White Wedding by Billy Idol
Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye
Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye
Come to think of it, stay away from Marvin Gaye, too.  His dad did shoot him to death, after all.  Bad mojo.
Squeezebox by The Who
Gold Digger by Kanye West (who would undoubtedly jump out from behind the curtains and tell you that the girl who got married there before you danced with her dad better)
Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen
Like a Virgin by Madonna
Justify My Love by Madonna
Brickhouse by The Commodores
You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate
Private Dancer by Tina Turner
Thank Heaven for Little Girls by Maurice Chevalier (trust me, it’s creepy)
Papa Can You Hear Me by Babs (from Yentil – sad song, don’t do it)
Tears In Heaven (about death, dig?  don’t do it)
AND
Push It by Salt n’ Pepa

If you can think of more no-no songs, post a comment below.  If you want to fight for one of these tunes, do the same!

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Some you most likely have seen before, but others I dug a little bit to find. It was challenging to only pick 25 dresses though because of the plethora of horrible designs out there, but I pulled through after wiping the blood from my eyes. I actually had to stop myself at some point because I realized there was a never ending supply of bad dresses. And no, I didn’t put in the pregnant African American girl because she’s wearing a prom dress. Thanks to www.uglydress.com for many of the dresses.

I’m not sure what this looks like more: a electronic device for…um…massage or… Well, it looks like that and nothing else. Sorry.

Is Napoleon in the building?

It’s worth mentioning that this one is made out of thousands of condoms stitched together. So they are ready for the wedding night and how!

In case you couldn’t tell, this one is made out of newspaper.

A slutty wedding for all! I bet the bra can be removed for the topless wedding you always dreamed of.

At least the bridal shower streamers were put to good use after the party.

I would run if I saw this coming down the isle toward me.

I would run screaming if I saw this coming down the isle toward me.

This will hopefully stay in the window…forever, as a warning to all brides-to-be. Yellow is not a good color on a wedding dress.

Let’s hope this is for an indoor wedding or else the bride will also be wearing a beard made of bees.

This “dress” is more for the stripper the night before. Good luck, buddy, she seems the stay-at-home type.

Words do not do this picture justice. Just try to look away. Now imagine if she she jumped.

Nurse, oh nurse. Can you please pull the plug on this wedding dress.

Two outfits in one: a wedding dress and a straight jacket. Lovely.

As ugly as the wedding dress is, the head ornament is a nice distraction. Don’t poke an eye out with that.

Here are some from www.uglydress.com

And now the one you’ve all been waiting for…

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Unless it’s ONE OF THOSE Showers, Stay Away from Inappropriate Gifts

Unless the shower is designated for gifts of the *ahem* more intimate nature, stay away from sex toys and risque lingerie.  One famous story is floating around the internet that regards a ninety-year-old grandmother who was so offended at a shower gift that she spit her dentures out and stormed away.  We want to avoid offended grandmothers.

Keep Your History To Yourself

There are countless stories out there about girls who attend the bridal showers of women who are marrying their ex boyfriends.  Maybe that’s not clear, so let’s put it into second person narrative.  You’re at a shower.  The girl who is getting married is getting married to a guy you used to date.  Whatever you do, do not talk about your relationship with this girl’s groom-to-be.  It’s in poor taste and makes everyone feel awkward.

Other Don’ts

Don’t:

tell dirty jokes
get naked
encourage anybody else to get naked
get wasted
get wasted and  naked
be mean to the  bride
be mean to the bride’s mother, grandmother, sister, best friend, etc.

If you follow these simple rules, you should be fine.  If you think of something other than one of these things to do to offend people, PULEASE write to tell me about it.

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Last year I was honored to attend an unconventional kind of wedding.  In fact, my hubs was part of the wedding party.  The wedding took place on Halloween, and I decided that since the happy couple’s one year anniversary approacheth, that that I would not only tell you about the happy day, I’d let the bride do it.  Megan was nice enough to answer some questions for me and send me some photos, so enjoy!

1.  What made you choose Halloween as your wedding date?

I absolutely adore Halloween! It has always been my favorite holiday. The dressing up, the scary decorations, the fall weather and of course, fall foods, like sweet potatoes! My daughters are the same way and dressing up is just plain fun! You can be all the things that aren’t “real” the other 364 days of the year.  And everyone knows Jamie loves anything dark and gory! Add to that our family’s love of anything macabre and you get the perfect day for our wedding. Not to mention it is an easy date for the groom to remember! The movie “The Corpse Bride” sealed the deal, it was the inspiration for the whole thing.

2.  Who did you choose to officiate your ceremony, and how did you know him/her?

Leighton Paquette preformed the ceremony. My aunt introduced him to us. The amazing thing was, I really only got to talk to him a couple of times. Maybe the longest conversation was an hour. And yet he nailed it. Jamie and I aren’t your typical couple. We’re square pegs trying to fit into a world of round holes. And Leighton got that. It wasn’t your typical stuffy or religious ceremony, it was ours and it was perfect. He said let him know if you have any questions for him. However,he wasn’t licensed to make it legal so another friend of the family who is filled out our marriage license.

3.  What was the significance of having your wedding on Halloween?

LOL we got to dress up and be yet ourselves and for once no one gave us strange looks for it. I’ve always felt like Halloween is an opportunity for those of us who are a little…..out there, to be truly free of society’s expectations for one night.

4.  What did you choose as your attire for the wedding and why?

I wanted to go with something fairy like but without dealing with wings. My mother, Debbie deTreville, is a wonderful seamstress, and she and my step-father, Jason Allen, designed a beautiful dress just by listening to me babble about a few I had seen that I liked. I wanted fairy-tale without the poofy Cinderella dress. It was a beautiful royal purple with iridescent wing like pieces attached at the upper arms and wrists. They both worked incredibly hard until the wee hours of the morning to get everything completed on time. They also did almost all of the decorations and all of the flowers. Jason (Jae) also carved several exquisite pumpkins to grace the tables.

5.  What did the groom choose as his attire for the wedding and why?

Jamie wore a black suit and red shirt and black top hat with a skull topped cane. He chose that mainly because I wouldn’t let him wear jeans and the “tuxedo t-shit”. However, he looked wonderful in it. He picked it all out himself and I have to say, his taste was fabulous.

6.  What were your instructions to your wedding party as to how they should dress?

We told them to wear whatever costume they wanted only to keep in mind there would be children in attendance. As lond as no one dressed like a bride or groom we were fine with it. We ended up with 2 Greek goddesses, a Renaissance princess, and a disco diva as bridesmaids, and a bodyguard, a convict, a pirate and Einstein as groomsman. Our oldest Samantha was a perfect little fairy flower-girl and the younger one, Jessica, was a spooky skeleton fairy ring bearer, which was all their idea and matched their personalities. My grandfather gave me away as Grandpa Munster aka Dracula. It was all so perfect!

7.  What were your requests/suggestions to your wedding guests as to how they should dress?

We asked everyone to either choose a costume or to wear something afternoon wedding appropriate. We did however, ask that everyone be respectful of the children who would be in attendance and not wear anything too scary or risky. As it turned out, everyone who turned up was in  costume except a couple grandparents who wore church clothes, and with the rest of the costumes floating around, they looked like it was a purposeful Halloween choice.

8.  What type of music did you choose for the reception?

A very eclectic mix spun out by my dad, Kevin Carter who also helped my Aunt Kerstan with photos. we tried to stick with classic rock and roll and a few Halloween themed songs. Since it was a pretty neutral ground for me and Jamie.

9.  What was your first dance song and why?

“Always with me Always with you” by Joe Satriani.

Jamie introduced that song to me early in our relationship and it just became our song. He even used to play parts from it for me on the guitar.

10.  After one year of wedded bliss, how do you plan to celebrate your anniversary?

Maybe with a night out just the two of us….that’s a rare enough occurrence. Trick-or-Treating with the kids will top off our weekend.

Thank you, Megan, for telling us about your special day, and for letting our readers know that it’s fine to be yourself and do what YOU want to do on your wedding day.

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I guess that’s not fair.  They DO care how they look, they just choose to look like a cartoon character or superhero.  Sure.  Why not?  I mean, if you’re going to do it, do it right.  Make sure people remember it.  Make sure, for instance, that they remember that you came to your wedding dressed as Wonder Woman, and that your groom dressed like Batman.

Holy Are-You-Kidding Me, Batman!

Lucky for these folks, both Batman and Wonder Woman were  part of Justice League of America in The Brave and the Bold #28, otherwise we’d take issue.  We already have to overlook the fact that these wackadoos were attended by Robin (that’s OK), the Joker (WTF?), Yoda (Come on, now), The Incredibles (Really?), Iron Man, Poison Ivy, and The Incredible Hulk (MARVEL COMICS, HELLO?!?!?!)   The bridesmaids came dressed in PowerPuff Girls costumes.  Oh, the humanity.  Step all over those of who who LIKE comic books, why don’t you?

Or, take these folks, who decided to kick it old, old, old, old school.

Yabba Dabba...oh whatever.

They actually said, “I yabba dabba do” in their vows.  Oh the sweet injustice of it all.  At least these people were purist.  The bride was attended by Betty Rubble, Barney Rubble stood up as best man, the children attendants were dressed as Bamm-Bamm, and the guests all dressed as cavemen.  Er, cave people.  My, my.

This one is the real kicker, though.  What would the cleaning bills cost to get all that GREEN PAINT off the wedding dress?

Really?

I get it that you saw Shrek on your first date.  I get that you liked it.  I liked it too.  A lot.  I watch it pretty often still.  But what on earth did your mother say when you told her you wanted to paint yourself completely green and wear fake ears on your wedding day?  Did she cry?  I kind of did, when I heard about this.  And the groom.  He’s 53!  Did he just not give a crap?  And what’s with the clown character in the back?  Are you TRYING to give me a heart attack?

Oh well, right?  As long as they are happy, that is what matters….

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Some brides choose bridesmaid dresses that they are absolutely sure their bridesmaids will look terrible in.  That’s called, “I have low self esteem and want to make sure I’m the prettiest one in my pictures.”  Other brides have some bridesmaids that will look good in a particular dress, and others who WON’T look good in it.  “It’s not on purpose, Amy.  You’re just fat, is all.”

Other times, brides will choose bridesmaid dresses that they think are absolutely beautiful.  They’d be happy to wear the dress, if they were not the bride, but only a mere bridesmaid.  “And the best thing about it is you can shorten it and wear it again.”  Right?  RIGHT?

Just because it’s fun, and because we sometimes all need a laugh, here are some bridesmaid dresses that are sure to make you glad she DIDN’T ask you.

This is an easy one to start off on, because this picture is clearly from the seventies, and those dresses are probably still in tact somewhere, because that grade of polyester has the shelf life of a Twinkie.  And you know about Twinkies.

Again, we can chalk this up to the crazy days of hallucinogenic drugs and free love.  I just wonder why that one lady on the end got to wear a cape.  Where are all the rest of the capes?  That’s what that brown -haired lady on the other end is thinking, “Where the … is my cape?”

This one might be even older, but I think that any bride that forces you to dress like Mrs. Claus deserves to have a little Ex Lax slipped into her egg nog.  Just sayin’.

This might very well be from the Eighties, but to me this picture is like one of those “Can you find all the things that are wrong in this picture” things.  Yes.  Yes I can.

The only thing that would make this OK is if they just came from their dance recital.

And what you can’t see is the knife in the bridesmaid’s OTHER hand.

And all of the sudden there were a lot of very cold Solid Gold dancers…

And because of this dress, this is the only bridesmaid that showed up.  No, seriously though.  There was only enough fabric for one dress – IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Wha?

Forsooth and verily.  I think I’m gonna puke.

there’s this

and this

and this.  Now tulle is extinct and satin is on the endangered list.

like you do.

Notice that the bride is wearing camouflage.  That means those dresses are “safety” or “blaze” orange.  Presumably so nobody shoots the bridesmaids during the ceremony.

At the reception, however, all bets are off.

Come on.  Really?

The brunette looks embarrassed, and we can’t even see her face.

Yet, strangely, none of these people look embarrassed.

And neither do any of these people.  Can you imagine the phone call on this one?  “Amy, will you be a bridesmaid in my wedding?”  “Um, I don’t really have enough money for  a dress.”  “Oh, that’s OK.  You’ll just need to wear black pumps, a g-string, and some pasties.”  “Wow.  It’s so nice of you to let us wear what we just wear to work.”  “Oh, it’s no problem.  The hat I’m wearing is so amazing that nobody will even notice your nakedness, so I’m sorry about that, but at least Joey’s going to wear his stripey socks and that Elvis clown mask he wore when he got arrested for snorting sand that time.”  “Oh yeah.  Joey’s such a trip.  See you at the wedding!”

What?  I make my own fun.  I swiped a lot of these pictures from Tacky Weddings.  Stay classy.

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So why not pay some hipster DJ to mix up and edit a video of your wedding and turn it into some weirdo music video? Sure! Because you don’t want to remember the day as it WAS. You want to remember it the way that some guy in skinny jeans mixed it in his uber hip studio (or mom’s garage) a few days after the wedding. Right?

Lauren + JP from Matt Odom on Vimeo.

Actually, the video is pretty cute, and the couple is from La Grange, GA, which is a super cute little town. I spent a week there one day. But seriously folks. It is a cute town. As for the video…I’d be curious to hear what Lauren and J.P. think after about 6 or 7 years, wouldn’t you? It will either be a “Gee, Honey. I’m soooo glad we did that” situation, or it will be like when you’re twelve and you’re at the beach, and your friend talks you into going into one of those “Make Your Own Music Video” places where they have, like, two props and you two get up and sing “The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston followed by a rousing rendition of “Walk Like an Egyptian” whilst dancing all willy nilly and then 6 or 7 years later you find the tape and you accidentally watch it in front of your boyfriend who promptly dumps you. Except for in Lauren and J.P.’s situation, that will be their 3 or 4 year old. Who might think it’s cool. But then will surely, in many years, show it to all their snotty teenager friends, who will be like, “What was that band, anyway?”

In other words, is this something that will be cherished. Is it a lasting treasure? Or just a moment’s pleasure?

But seriously. Props to Matt Odom, who just went for it. You go, Matt.

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So you’ve got this perfectly unblemished moment, full of romantic promise and magic, so why not make it happen on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year?  St. Valentine’s Day!

I know what you’re thinking.  How could I, The Wedding Gal’s Snarky Cousin, possibly expect you to believe that Valentine’s Day is actually romantic?  A Hallmark holiday that makes every unmatched singleton feel rotten and every person that is in a relationship feel this unfair obligation to buy gifts and confections?  Phooey on Valentine’s Day!  Right?

WRONG!!  St. Valentine, according to one legend, married young lovers in secret when marriage was outlawed by Claudius Gothicus.  St. Valentine kept love alive in a time of war and oppression.  Romantic, huh?  So, in keeping with romantic tradition, here are some do’s and don’t do’s for proposing on Valentine’s Day:

photo by oskay

Say It Sweetly

Conversation Hearts are the best-selling Valentine candy.  Made by Necco, they have been printing little sayings on the heart-shaped treats since the 1860′s.  The kind of conversation heart you can buy today have been around since 1902.  That’s a long history of being a Valentine’s Day staple.  Even though the company has tried to make their treats more current with sayings like “E-mail Me,”  you can go one better and use a fine grit sandpaper to remove the original message and add your own with a food coloring marker.  You can write “Marry Me” on all of them, or you can write what will be her married name on all of them.  She’ll get the idea.

DON’T go to all the trouble of sanding off the little phrases on a gajillion candies and then neglect to have something romantic to say.  You can do it.  Just don’t be all, “I got you this candy” and just stand there and look at her.  Creepy, Dude.

photo by CFei

Nothing Beats a Romantic Dinner

I read somewhere that next to home, restaurants are the most popular place for wedding proposals.  I read somewhere else that 10% of Valentine proposals happen in restaurants.  Somehow that math doesn’t sound right to me, but you can imagine that it happens a lot.  We’ve all seen movies.  Speaking of movies, see the “Don’t” section below for some more tips, but for now I will say DO take her someplace nice.  I know they all tell you to take her to the place you had your first date or the first place you said “I love you.”  If your first date was at McDonald’s, you may not want to propose there.  Unless she really, really likes McDonald’s.  I know I do.  But not enough to get engaged there.  Do say something sweet to her.

DON’T put her ring in food or drink of any kind.  Why?  Why would you a) get chocolate or crab dip or champagne all over her nice new ring or b) take the chance that she’ll swallow it and then have to go to the ER and eventually have to have the darn thing removed or….worse?  Don’t do it.

photo by autiscy

Say It Loud, Say It Proud

Use a billboard, a scoreboard, a sky-writing airplane, or an ad before a movie showing, but ONLY IF YOU KNOW SHE’S GOING TO SAY YES!!!

DON’T go to all the trouble, expense, and possibility for public humiliation if you have any doubt in your mind that she’s going to balk.

There you have it, Guys.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

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