More Theme Wedding Madness

It is a relief to see  that there are some people out there who just don’t give a darn how they look.  Not even on their wedding day.

I guess that’s not fair.  They DO care how they look, they just choose to look like a cartoon character or superhero.  Sure.  Why not?  I mean, if you’re going to do it, do it right.  Make sure people remember it.  Make sure, for instance, that they remember that you came to your wedding dressed as Wonder Woman, and that your groom dressed like Batman.

Lucky for these folks, both Batman and Wonder Woman were  part of Justice League of America in The Brave and the Bold #28, otherwise we’d take issue.  We already have to overlook the fact that these wackadoos were attended by Robin (that’s OK), the Joker (WTF?), Yoda (Come on, now), The Incredibles (Really?), Iron Man, Poison Ivy, and The Incredible Hulk (MARVEL COMICS, HELLO?!?!?!)   The bridesmaids came dressed in PowerPuff Girls costumes.  Oh, the humanity.  Step all over those of who who LIKE comic books, why don’t you?

Or, take these folks, who decided to kick it old, old, old, old school.

They actually said, “I yabba dabba do” in their vows.  Oh the sweet injustice of it all.  At least these people were purist.  The bride was attended by Betty Rubble, Barney Rubble stood up as best man, the children attendants were dressed as Bamm-Bamm, and the guests all dressed as cavemen.  Er, cave people.  My, my.

This one is the real kicker, though.  What would the cleaning bills cost to get all that GREEN PAINT off the wedding dress?

I get it that you saw Shrek on your first date.  I get that you liked it.  I liked it too.  A lot.  I watch it pretty often still.  But what on earth did your mother say when you told her you wanted to paint yourself completely green and wear fake ears on your wedding day?  Did she cry?  I kind of did, when I heard about this.  And the groom.  He’s 53!  Did he just not give a crap?  And what’s with the clown character in the back?  Are you TRYING to give me a heart attack?

Oh well, right?  As long as they are happy, that is what matters….

Worst Bridesmaid Dresses

Bridesmaid.  The word has varying effects on people, depending on their past experiences.  For some, it was an honor just to be asked.  For others, it was a taffeta nightmare.

Some brides choose bridesmaid dresses that they are absolutely sure their bridesmaids will look terrible in.  That’s called, “I have low self esteem and want to make sure I’m the prettiest one in my pictures.”  Other brides have some bridesmaids that will look good in a particular dress, and others who WON’T look good in it.  “It’s not on purpose, Amy.  You’re just fat, is all.”

Other times, brides will choose bridesmaid dresses that they think are absolutely beautiful.  They’d be happy to wear the dress, if they were not the bride, but only a mere bridesmaid.  “And the best thing about it is you can shorten it and wear it again.”  Right?  RIGHT?

Just because it’s fun, and because we sometimes all need a laugh, here are some bridesmaid dresses that are sure to make you glad she DIDN’T ask you.

This is an easy one to start off on, because this picture is clearly from the seventies, and those dresses are probably still in tact somewhere, because that grade of polyester has the shelf life of a Twinkie.  And you know about Twinkies.

Again, we can chalk this up to the crazy days of hallucinogenic drugs and free love.  I just wonder why that one lady on the end got to wear a cape.  Where are all the rest of the capes?  That’s what that brown -haired lady on the other end is thinking, “Where the … is my cape?”

This one might be even older, but I think that any bride that forces you to dress like Mrs. Claus deserves to have a little Ex Lax slipped into her egg nog.  Just sayin’.

This might very well be from the Eighties, but to me this picture is like one of those “Can you find all the things that are wrong in this picture” things.  Yes.  Yes I can.

The only thing that would make this OK is if they just came from their dance recital.

And what you can’t see is the knife in the bridesmaid’s OTHER hand.

And all of the sudden there were a lot of very cold Solid Gold dancers…

And because of this dress, this is the only bridesmaid that showed up.  No, seriously though.  There was only enough fabric for one dress – IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Wha?

Forsooth and verily.  I think I’m gonna puke.

there’s this

and this

and this.  Now tulle is extinct and satin is on the endangered list.

like you do.

Notice that the bride is wearing camouflage.  That means those dresses are “safety” or “blaze” orange.  Presumably so nobody shoots the bridesmaids during the ceremony.

At the reception, however, all bets are off.

Come on.  Really?

The brunette looks embarrassed, and we can’t even see her face.

Yet, strangely, none of these people look embarrassed.

And neither do any of these people.  Can you imagine the phone call on this one?  “Amy, will you be a bridesmaid in my wedding?”  “Um, I don’t really have enough money for  a dress.”  “Oh, that’s OK.  You’ll just need to wear black pumps, a g-string, and some pasties.”  “Wow.  It’s so nice of you to let us wear what we just wear to work.”  “Oh, it’s no problem.  The hat I’m wearing is so amazing that nobody will even notice your nakedness, so I’m sorry about that, but at least Joey’s going to wear his stripey socks and that Elvis clown mask he wore when he got arrested for snorting sand that time.”  “Oh yeah.  Joey’s such a trip.  See you at the wedding!”

What?  I make my own fun.  I swiped a lot of these pictures from Tacky Weddings.  Stay classy.

Lauren and J.P.’s Music Video – A Discussion With Myself

Face it. Your wedding day is one of the most important days of your life. You’ll want to remember it in every way possible. You’ll want more photographs than were taken. You’ll want more video than you have. You’ll want many, many reminders.

So why not pay some hipster DJ to mix up and edit a video of your wedding and turn it into some weirdo music video? Sure! Because you don’t want to remember the day as it WAS. You want to remember it the way that some guy in skinny jeans mixed it in his uber hip studio (or mom’s garage) a few days after the wedding. Right?

Lauren + JP from Matt Odom on Vimeo.

Actually, the video is pretty cute, and the couple is from La Grange, GA, which is a super cute little town. I spent a week there one day. But seriously folks. It is a cute town. As for the video…I’d be curious to hear what Lauren and J.P. think after about 6 or 7 years, wouldn’t you? It will either be a “Gee, Honey. I’m soooo glad we did that” situation, or it will be like when you’re twelve and you’re at the beach, and your friend talks you into going into one of those “Make Your Own Music Video” places where they have, like, two props and you two get up and sing “The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston followed by a rousing rendition of “Walk Like an Egyptian” whilst dancing all willy nilly and then 6 or 7 years later you find the tape and you accidentally watch it in front of your boyfriend who promptly dumps you. Except for in Lauren and J.P.’s situation, that will be their 3 or 4 year old. Who might think it’s cool. But then will surely, in many years, show it to all their snotty teenager friends, who will be like, “What was that band, anyway?”

In other words, is this something that will be cherished. Is it a lasting treasure? Or just a moment’s pleasure?

But seriously. Props to Matt Odom, who just went for it. You go, Matt.

Beat The Heat – Summer Wedding Weather Survival

Summer weddings are popular for a number of reasons:  the brilliant sunshine, the ready abundance of flowers and plants, and the overall sense of energy and vibrant life that comes with the season.  These sunny celebrations of love and eternity do present a seemingly inescapable fact of nature: the heat.   Not to be dissuaded; however, countless couples choose to tie the knot outdoors during the summer.

Fear not!  Surviving the sweltering temperatures is easily accomplished for both the guests and the bride and groom.  Here are a few simple tips for keeping your cool:

1. If you’re invited to a summer fete, choose a light-colored outfit (avoiding white, of course).  The light colors will help reflect the sun’s rays and keep you cooler than dark colors.  Also, if you wear a dress, avoid long skirts.  Knee length or mid calf skirt will allow for the movement of air without smothering your legs.
2. If you have long hair (bride or guest), wearing your hair up will work wonders to keep your neck and shoulders cool and pleasantly un-sweaty.
3. Stay hydrated.  One of the number one dangers during any summertime celebration is dehydration.  Keep cool beverages on hand.  This can be especially important for the bride and groom, as she is likely to be weigh down under layers of a heavy wedding gown, while he’ll be sporting a fetching (but also heavy) tuxedo.
4. Try to stay in the shade.  Avoiding the direct sunlight can help keep you cool as well as avoiding sunburn.  Sunscreen is a must for outdoor ceremonies.  No one wants a blistering sunburn as their thank-you note for attending.

So don’t dread the long ceremony in the sun.  With proper planning and a little common sense, disaster can be avoided and you can cut loose and celebrate with the proper enthusiasm, without worrying about the heat.

Are You A Diva Bride?

You’re ordering your wedding cake. It has five layers and you want the layers to be raspberry – lemon – raspberry – lemon – raspberry. The baker’s assistant writes it down switching it so it says lemon – raspberry – lemon……You do:

1. Politely point out the error before the baker pulls out the baking pans and gets to cooking.
2. Shriek “It’s raspberry then lemon!” and burst into tears.
3. Call your fiancé and make him explain it. He’s the negotiator.

You are trying on your wedding dress for a fitting. They need to fix the neckline. You:

1. Ask someone at the shop the status of fixing the neckline.
2. Throw your wedding veil in the air and run through the store saying, “They’ve damaged my dress!”
3. Tell your mother and let her talk to the store.

A bridesmaid is not getting the invitations ordered or her other duties done. You need to help get her organized – quick! You:

1. Have lunch with her and find out what is going on – help create a plan for her.
2. Cry on the phone to her that she is ruining your wedding and then cry to your other 5 bridesmaids about her for two hours.
3. Ask your future mother-in-law for advice and let her replace the bridesmaid with a cousin.

The caterer is asking for a second deposit. You’ve paid them but now they want even more. Your wedding is three weeks away and your fiancé is out-of-town. You:

1. Call the caterer and ask the reason for the additional deposit. Get the information in writing and understand why you need to pay them.
2. Leave work abruptly and go down in person to yell at the manager that he is “wrecking your day” and that he doesn’t understand. Cry on the way back to work and hire a new caterer.
3. Call your parents and in-laws and tell them you need a new caterer.

The band you’ve hired has an emergency and now can’t perform on your wedding. You’ve got to find a replacement – fast. You:

1. Put out the word to family and friends you need a referral to a great band.
2. Cuss out the band manager and tell him you’ll never forget how he tried to ruin your most important day.
3. Call your fiancé and let him decide what to do.

Okay, it’s time to tally up. How did you do?

All A’s: Regina Reasonable Bride – rational and practical, you’ve got it all under control
All B’s: Diana Diva Bride – get out of her way, she’s loud, proud and out of control!
All C’s: Beth Baby Girl Bride – time to grow up before you put on that wedding dress

For the Fellas – A Valentine Proposal?

While The Wedding Gal’s Snarky Cousin isn’t always the most romantic creature in the world, nothing gets me right at the heartstrings like a heartfelt and creative wedding proposal.  It’s a perfect moment in time, or it can be.  It’s not about the right table linens or the perfect bouquet.  It’s not about bridesmaid dresses that could ruin friendships or whether or not to serve shellfish at the reception.  It’s a moment of maximum potential, when two people first make a commitment to spend their lives together.  It’s a fresh, new, unblemished promise – unsullied by seating charts and unruly flower girls.

So you’ve got this perfectly unblemished moment, full of romantic promise and magic, so why not make it happen on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year?  St. Valentine’s Day!

I know what you’re thinking.  How could I, The Wedding Gal’s Snarky Cousin, possibly expect you to believe that Valentine’s Day is actually romantic?  A Hallmark holiday that makes every unmatched singleton feel rotten and every person that is in a relationship feel this unfair obligation to buy gifts and confections?  Phooey on Valentine’s Day!  Right?

WRONG!!  St. Valentine, according to one legend, married young lovers in secret when marriage was outlawed by Claudius Gothicus.  St. Valentine kept love alive in a time of war and oppression.  Romantic, huh?  So, in keeping with romantic tradition, here are some do’s and don’t do’s for proposing on Valentine’s Day:

Say It Sweetly

Conversation Hearts are the best-selling Valentine candy.  Made by Necco, they have been printing little sayings on the heart-shaped treats since the 1860′s.  The kind of conversation heart you can buy today have been around since 1902.  That’s a long history of being a Valentine’s Day staple.  Even though the company has tried to make their treats more current with sayings like “E-mail Me,”  you can go one better and use a fine grit sandpaper to remove the original message and add your own with a food coloring marker.  You can write “Marry Me” on all of them, or you can write what will be her married name on all of them.  She’ll get the idea.

DON’T go to all the trouble of sanding off the little phrases on a gajillion candies and then neglect to have something romantic to say.  You can do it.  Just don’t be all, “I got you this candy” and just stand there and look at her.  Creepy, Dude.

Nothing Beats a Romantic Dinner

I read somewhere that next to home, restaurants are the most popular place for wedding proposals.  I read somewhere else that 10% of Valentine proposals happen in restaurants.  Somehow that math doesn’t sound right to me, but you can imagine that it happens a lot.  We’ve all seen movies.  Speaking of movies, see the “Don’t” section below for some more tips, but for now I will say DO take her someplace nice.  I know they all tell you to take her to the place you had your first date or the first place you said “I love you.”  If your first date was at McDonald’s, you may not want to propose there.  Unless she really, really likes McDonald’s.  I know I do.  But not enough to get engaged there.  Do say something sweet to her.

DON’T put her ring in food or drink of any kind.  Why?  Why would you a) get chocolate or crab dip or champagne all over her nice new ring or b) take the chance that she’ll swallow it and then have to go to the ER and eventually have to have the darn thing removed or….worse?  Don’t do it.

Say It Loud, Say It Proud

Use a billboard, a scoreboard, a sky-writing airplane, or an ad before a movie showing, but ONLY IF YOU KNOW SHE’S GOING TO SAY YES!!!

DON’T go to all the trouble, expense, and possibility for public humiliation if you have any doubt in your mind that she’s going to balk.

There you have it, Guys.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Winter Weddings – Why Not?

You might not want to go this extreme with a winter wedding, but you also might not want to wait until spring or summer to tie the knot.  There are a lot of cool things (pun TOTALLY intended) that you can do for a winter wedding that you can’t for a wedding in warmer months, so go for it!

Two Words:  Snow Globes

You can have snow globes as a part of your centerpiece decorations, you can have snow globes as wedding favors, or you can have really nice, high-end snow globes as your attendant gifts.  Everybody loves a nice snow globe!

Excuse to Go Formal

Since you know the reception will be indoors, why not make your wedding a black tie affair?  You don’t have to spend a fortune on the food and drink, but it gives everyone a great excuse to don their finery and look their absolute best.  Plus, how gorgeous will your photos be?

Food and Drink

A summer reception means that extra sweet, extra warm, and extra decadent is a little over-the-top.  Use this winter wedding as an excuse to break out the bisque, serve the cheesecake, and serve up some belly-warming holiday spirits.  Two great ones to try?  How about eggnog?  A classic holiday drink, it’s got a creamy, nutmeggy taste and if you put spiced rum or bourbon in it you’ll have your guests feeling all warm and cozy.  Another great?  How about a Peppermint Martini with a candy cane rim?  Garnish with a mini-candy cane and you’ll have tasty AND pretty cocktails.

Have a wintertime wedding to rival any fairy tale.  And make sure you send us some pictures!

Creative Centerpiece Ideas

Your wedding is a special day.  That’s the understatement of the century – right?  Of course it’s special.  Not only do you want everything to go smoothly, to look perfect, and to be a fairytale kind of day, you also want your reception to stick out in people’s heads as a first-class event that reflects your personality and style.

If you don’t go in for theme weddings (and let’s face it, not everybody does), you can still spice up your reception with something special on the table.  You can go for an artsy-type centerpiece, a fun and interactive centerpiece, or something simply beautiful and memorable.  Here are some ideas to get you thinking about the perfect centerpieces for your wedding.

Put Your Guests in the Right “Frame” of Mind

One way to personalize your wedding tablescapes is to use pictures of you and your spouse-to be as part of your centerpiece.  You can place votive candles and flowers around the frames, and your guests will have lovely photos of the two of you to entertain them during the really long best man’s speech.  You can take it a step further and use a double frame with the photo on one side and a description of the time the photo was taken – be it a vacation, the day you got engaged, etc.

Water, Water Everywhere

Another easy but beautiful option is to float your flowers or candles in a water-filled centerpiece.  You can use varying heights of cylindrical vases, like the picture above, or (better yet) get large, flatter bowls and float a candle and some flower blossoms in it.  Not only do you have a beautiful, fragrant centerpiece, but your guests can talk to one another without peering around a tall centerpiece.

Build Some Fun

If your guests have busy hands, fill some large clear bowls with Legos or other building blocks and have them build you little wedding gifts.  Better yet, let them build things to take home with them as part of their favors.  For an additional Lego good time, rumor has it you can email Lego and they will send you a bride and groom Lego cake topper.  How cute is that?

No matter what centerpiece idea you choose, remember this is your day and your chance to express your personality and your flair.  Go for it!

Wedding Tips – How to Deal With Kids?

How to Entertain Kids at Your Wedding (by The Wedding Gal’s Snarky Cousin)

Somehow I bet a lot of things take precedence in your wedding-occupied bridal mind over the kids that will be at your wedding.  You’ve got the flowers, the dress, the rings, the bridesmaids, and a thousand other things to think about.  Take my advice, though, Dearest.  Put a little bit of thought into what you’re going to do with the adorable little kiddies that will be running willy-nilly around your reception.

Now, if you’re one of those brides who plans to specify “no kids” at the ceremony, reception, or both, you can stop reading now.  On second thought…maybe read a little further.  See, you have friends and family members who likely have children.  They like to bring their children to weddings, because they get to dress said children up in adorable outfits and take beacoup pictures of them.  If you tell these friends and family member that they cannot bring their precious darlings to your nuptials…well…you can just kiss that gift goodbye.  That’s all I’m saying.

Anywhoo, provided you care more about the toaster and less about the disruption of those adorable little rugrats, you’ll need to figure out something to do to keep them entertained.  Otherwise they run around and start pulling the long dresses over their head, attacking the buffet table, pushing Uncle Morty’s wheelchair around (with Uncle Morty still in it) and they basically wreak all kinds of havoc.

I will tell you now that the absolute biggest favor you can do for yourself is to hire a babysitter for your wedding.  Depending on the size of the wedding and how many kids are coming, maybe hire two babysitters.  Ask your sister-in-law or your Aunt Patty to recommend someone, and just pay them the going rate to hang with the kids and keep them happy during the reception.  If the parents don’t care if the kids are present during the ceremony, go ahead and let the kids play with the babysitter throughout that.  They don’t want to see your ceremony anyway, and it will save the videographer having to edit out “I’m hungry!” or “Jessie just pooped!” from your vows.  Yes folks, I’m speaking from experience.

Make sure the babysitter has lots of games, crayons and coloring books, snacks, and other things to keep the kids occupied.  If your reception is a standard 4-hour reception, you might even think about getting a separate room so that the kids can watch a movie.  Basically, just think about all the stuff you’d wished they’d had at weddings you went to when YOU were a kid and do that.  It doesn’t cost a lot of money, and your guests who are the parents of the kids will appreciate your thoughtful consideration of their little bundles of joy.

photo by tobybarnes

What Not To Do The Night Before Your Wedding

Out here in Internetland you’ll find all sorts of advice on how to prepare for your wedding.  What beauty regimen to follow, what rules of conduct are important, and even how to mentally and physically prepare yourself for the big day.  What people don’t want to cover is what NOT to do the night or day before your wedding.  My cousin, Wedding Gal, doesn’t want you to think about such unpleasant things the day before you walk down the aisle.  Aren’t you lucky I hijack her blog every now and again?

Rule #1:  Don’t.  I repeat DO NOT get your eyebrows waxed or attempt to wax your own eyebrows the day before your wedding.  Don’t do it.  I’m serious.

photo by ladybug_3777

Do this, and any other drastic hair removal, a good week before the big day.  If you have a straggler or two, remove them CAREFULLY with tweezers.  If you forget altogether (like I did), for all that is sacred and holy LET YOUR BROWS BE BUSHY.  Do not try to tweeze off a few months worth of eyebrow growth the day before the wedding and DON’T wax or even go to a salon to get waxed.  Trust me, a few stray eyebrow hairs beats the heck out of burned eyelids, bumpy forehead, or, in extreme cases, the loss of a part of your eyebrow.

Same goes for leg waxing, bikini waxing, getting a haircut, changing your hair color, getting a spray tan, getting a facial, exfoliating vigorously, and any type of plastic surgery.  Don’t go all crazy and end up looking like a freakazoid in your wedding pictures.  You’ll thank me for this one day.

Rule #2:  Don’t get plastered.  Don’t get drizzunk.  Don’t get hammered.  Trust me.

photo by chairman moneko

It’s natural to feel nervous about your big day.  A lot of folks calm their nerves with a drink or two.  A drink or two is just fine.  A drink or twelve is not.  Not only does getting drunk the night before your wedding lead to things like drunk dialing, vomiting, bad decisions and hangovers, it also dehydrates your body, making you look all bloated and puffy the next day.  So even if you think you can keep your head about you, think about how your head will look the next day with puffy, bloodshot eyes and bad breath.  Don’t do it.

Rule #3:  Don’t sleep with the best man, your friend from high school, your ex boyfriend, your second cousin (ew!) or anybody you don’t plan to walk down the aisle with the next day.

photo by Pere Nadal

It happens all the time in movies.  It’s the person’s “last night of freedom” and they decide to have a “final hurrah” before the big day.  Notice that in movies it never works out in the favor of the people who are getting married.  There’s a reason for that.  If you’re inclined to do it with somebody else, you shouldn’t be getting married.  No matter how badly you broke Rule #2.  Keep it in your pants until the honeymoon.

There.  Don’t you feel better now that you have some guidelines?  Here are a few more.  Also do not:

• Eat Taco Bell
• Borrow a large sum of money (it’s bad to start a marriage with debt)
• Gamble your honeymoon money away
• Decide to confess all your dirty secrets to your fiance (you should have done that months ago, yo)
• Go do “Amateur Night” at the local strip joint
• Do hallucinogenic drugs
• Kill anybody
• Drag race
• Skydive
• Swim with sharks

Common sense is key in any situation.  If you don’t have any of your own, you can borrow mine.  If you have any doubt about what you should or should not do before your wedding, leave a comment and I’ll answer it.  Hey, I’m a people person!

And don’t wait to get the ring the night before, see the engagement ring experts at DanforthDiamond.com.

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